Wednesday, February 1, 2012

To Give or Not to Give

Gave a homeless man a $5 bill today even though I knew he was probably trying to con me with an elaborate story about his car breaking down.  He said he needed bus fair to get home to his family and his "battery cable was fused to the blah blah blah" or something.  He was also on a cell phone with his wife, telling her after I gave him the money that he was about to catch a bus.

I was on my way to spend that $5 on a lottery ticket.  I figured possibly getting this guy a sandwich or bus fair was a better use of my money.    As soon as he opened his mouth, I felt a familiar conundrum rearing its head. I knew as I talked to this man that he was probably not telling the whole truth.  I don't believe the car he pointed to was his.  I think it's very possible there was no one on the other line of that cell phone conversation.  As I drove out of the parking lot, I saw a backpack and two shopping bags laying nearby that were probably his possessions.

This man probably lied to me.  And yet, I still feel like I did the right thing.  Though he probably twisted the truth in order to get money from me, he may have actually needed fair for a ride home.  Or he could have needed a sandwich.  Or maybe he wanted to buy a lottery ticket himself.  Whatever it was, this man needed something, even if it was just money for the sake of money.

Or he could have needed enough to walk down to the liquor store and ensure he'd be too smashed to remember the rest of the night.  Or my $5 could have contributed to a fund he'd been building for his next hit of heroin.  Maybe this is what he wanted it for.  Perhaps this was even probably what he wanted it for.

But I don't know that.  The man told me he needed help.  I could give it, so I did.

"We have been called
naive
as if it were a dirty word,
We have been called
innocent
as though with shame
our cheeks should burn" - Jewel Kilcher

 My dad would and often did call me naive.  In fact, he called me that, angrily, for doing this very same thing once in his presence.  When I was a kid I gave a homeless man in San Fransico the $20 my parents had given me as spending money.  My dad made me feel horrible for doing so, telling me how the man was worthless and only wanted my money for worthless gain.  Maybe he was right.  Maybe that man did immediately take my 20 to the liquor store.

Or, maybe he fed his family for the first time in a week that night.

Though life has beaten a lot of hopes and dreams and yes, optimism out of me, I'm still that kid.  I still choose to believe that people have the best intentions, and that even though we all make mistakes, those people always end up passing my faith along and helping others.

They don't always.  I know that.  Naive though I may choose to be, I'm not blind.  I do, however think that humanity is, at it's core, good.  That man today may use my gift for poor or wasteful reasons, but I will not condemn him for what he might do.

He asked me for help.  I chose to give it.

You might have guessed by now that I'm writing this to convince myself just as much as anyone.  In the back of my mind, my father's voice still resonates.  I'll never know that my actions will have good consequences.  But faith...faith is a powerful thing.  Especially faith in others.

I asked the man how much bus fair was, he asked his "wife" on the other line, then said it was about $2.50.  I pulled out a 5; it was all I had, and handed it to him.  His eyes lit up.  "Thank you.  Oh man, thank you," he said.  I nodded and smiled and he walked away.  I got back in my car, no longer having a reason (or the money) to go into Kroger and drove home.

I don't know why that $5 made him happy.  I don't know and I never will.  The simple fact that it did is enough for me.

:)