Opening Up Again

There are benefits to being alone.  One is that the only person you have to worry about disappointing is yourself.  Another is that you can follow your dreams without any pressure from outside forces to do it faster or in a way you aren't comfortable with.  I'll achieve my dreams, in my time, on my terms, we tell ourselves.

There are also downsides.  In being alone we can become so dependent upon ourselves that when life offers up compassion or friendship or even love, we may have a hard time accepting it.  Connection to another human being is a terrifying thing, and can lead us down a path to loss, grief and heartache.  After all, it has before, hasn't it?  For many of us, that's what caused us to be alone in the first place.

Today, I find myself feeling things I wasn't sure were possible beyond the iron-clad walls of my heart.  Yeah I know, cry me a river, right?  But years upon years of disappointment and disillusionment make it hard not to build those walls.  In fact, they build themselves.  Failed relationships, failed dreams and failed emotional connections each add another block to those walls whether we realize it or not.  Some of us are wise enough to recognize this and learn to protect ourselves while not closing ourselves off to hope.  Many of us find that harder to do.

I've always prided myself on my ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It wasn't always my tunnel, but the light was always there and I could always point that out to friends, family and even mere acquaintances.  Little have I realized that my own lights were getting more dim as I turned my gaze away from them.  "Roll with life's punches and hope for a better tomorrow," became my motto. A better tomorrow.  Not a great one.

And yet....  Suddenly I find myself at a point in my life where compassion is surrounding me.  There are people, events and promises that radiate hope like fireflies asking to land on my palm and glow only for me.  No, not only for me.  They glow for the smiling faces around me as well.

I have friends I care for.  I have a family who loves me.  I have words and the ability to share them.  There's a whole beautiful world out there and every bit of it wants to embrace me.  I have a cause I stand for, and another I have never stopped standing for.  I have a little furry extension of my soul staring out the window sill.

I wasn't sure I could do it.  I thought I might have allowed those walls to grow too thick too fast.  And yet it has happened.

I have fallen in love with life.

Falling in love is a dangerous thing.  Sometimes the heart we put out there isn't sheltered by another. Sometimes it's neglected and left to wither in the elements.  Sometimes it's taken by another only to be discarded in a place that takes time to find again.  But sometimes...sometimes that heart is held...and cherished...and loved in return.

I am not afraid.  I will journey.  I will explore.  I will love.  Most importantly of all, I will accept.  Bad things will happen to me; but so will beautiful things.  I will lose some things and gain others.  I will love life, and while that love may not always feel requited, it will burn bright and pure and strong.