The Nature of Now

Regret. It’s been the single most crippling thing in my life up to this point. Every day something pricks me like a needle, reminding me of what I should have done, what never should have happened, who I should have gotten closer to and who I should have made myself become. There have been phases in my life where I’ve been woefully incomplete, shambling around like a half-person because I simply believed that everything I had done up to that point had been wrong.

We all know that regret solves little. To spend a day mourning a past you should have had is to waste that day. We all know that the only true way to improve our situation, to achieve our dreams, is to focus on today and tomorrow instead of agonizing over yesterday.

We all know that, but most of us carry that regret with us anyway. Something happened that shouldn’t have and the voice in the back of our minds will never let us forget it.

In my case, the burden I carry is largely not over something I did, but over things I didn’t do. When I was in high school, I felt the world crushing me. All the anger and the pain and the sorrow around me (from teenagers like myself, mostly, each with their own pressing problems) made me feel as if I would be flattened under it all. That no amount of trying could ever dig me out of the sorrows of the world. Very emo of me, right?

So since the weight of the world felt as if it were on my shoulders, I decided I could do one of two things. The first was to let it crush me. To allow all the picking and anger and humiliation directed at me to break my spirit and lead me to violence, as it has so many other vulnerable young souls in our society. I could never hurt others, but I could have hurt myself.

I had another choice however. That choice was to take that world sitting on my shoulders and carry it as such. I would accept all the pain of those around me and I would turn it into strength and resolve. The resolve to one day find a way to take that pain away from them, so that they and others like them would one day have no reason to hurt me or anyone else ever again. What’s the best way to deal with a villain? You turn him into a hero.

So I spent years writing and dreaming about how the world needed to change. How the faults of society could one day be corrected and prevent hatred and ignorance and greed from ever taking hold in our youth and in our culture. In my view simplicity was the answer. So much of our vice comes from unnecessary things we step over each other to gain. Material things, which in my view translated to a waste of time and spirit. I wanted us all to live like the Native Americans of old, the tribes of primal Africa, even the early settlers in Europe and our own country. They found joy not in gain or self-empowerment, but simply in living. Yes, they had war and greed and ignorance just as we did, but underneath those things they loved life and each other in a way I find uncommon these days. Our distraction is American Idol or CSI Miami. Their distraction was a rushing waterfall or a herd of grazing buffalo. It doesn’t take a psychologist to determine which one is probably healthier for the soul.

I still believe these things just as much. My ideas have evolved. I understand the practicality, and in some cases lack-thereof of my original ideas. But I still want them. My dream, to those that don’t know this, is to one day provide a place and a way of life to those of us that want it. An escape from the seemingly inescapable trap of society as we know it. A place where the goal is not to buy a better car or sleep with a hotter girl, but to build something worth building. To live from the land and from the aid of others. To trade, not to take. To give, not to steal. To truly experience, every day what it means to be alive.

That goal has never changed, and yet for twelve years I did little to achieve it. I talked and I wrote and I dreamed, but in all that time I didn’t actually do anything. Sometimes it was because the people around me seemed to embrace their shortcomings instead of fight them. That discouraged me. Sometimes it was because I took the time to be distracted by a pursuit of one love or another that simply wasn’t meant to be. Lately it has become because I have lost everything financially and it seems that every day is a struggle to find enough money to feed my cat.

And through all of those twelve years, I have regretted. I have blamed myself for not taking my dreams, my grand resolve, and making them a reality. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right? And yet I have not taken that step. Sure I’ve had some false starts, but I have never truly begun to walk that path.

So I blame myself for a youth wasted. Sometimes I do, at least. Sometimes I look at the years that have passed and wonder why I did not run instead of crawl. I can blame it on distraction, which is true. I can blame it on my own ignorance, of never knowing how to begin making my dream a reality, which is also true. I can also blame it on fear, of knowing that in committing to a cause, I will lose many things I will never get back. This is perhaps the truest excuse of all. But in the end, they are all simply excuses. I did not act because I did not act. If I had acted…well, I wouldn’t be here talking about it, would I?

Which has led me to an old philosophical interest of mine: The nature of destiny. Do I believe that our eventual destination in the cosmos is determined by choices we make throughout our short lives? Choices that seem important to us but are truly insignificant in the face of human history and the grand scheme of the universe? In essence, do I believe our life culminates in a crossroads, and the only choices are salvation or damnation? No. In fact, I do not.

I do believe in the benevolence of the world. By the world, I mean God. By God I mean the Tao. By The Tao I mean The Atman or Mother Earth. You see where I’m going with this. Since I believe in that benevolence, I believe that everything will turn out alright in the end. All of our suffering and pain will have been for something, and that one day mankind will earn its salvation.

The reason I believe this is because I believe that it’s already happened. It has happened, and is happening, and will happen forever. Just as the act of me writing this and you reading it is not only happening now, but has always happened.

You were always here, now, reading this.

Think about it. If this day were to play itself over and you were presented the same set of choices and circumstances that led you here, you would make them again. And again. And again. Since we do not know the future, we are in fact destined to create it.

Believe in God? Ok. Believe God knows everything? Cool. Now how does God know everything? Past, present and future? I believe that God knows everything because God IS everything. Past, present, future, creation, destruction, sorrow, joy, thought, instinct, everything…all at once.

Think of time…of destiny…not like book with a beginning a middle and end, but like a map spread out on the table. A great, endless map. See the world? There’s America and Europe and Asia. Say America is what you did yesterday, Europe is what you’re doing now, and Asia is what you will do tomorrow. When you look up close at the middle of the map, you can only see Europe. Now take a step back. Now another. See that? Now you can see America and Asia too. What does that mean? It means you’re seeing today, yesterday and tomorrow all at once because they all exist that way…all at once. This, I believe, is the way God, or any mind potentially more developed than ours, sees history. All at once.

Still want to think of your life like a story? Like a novel with a beginning and an ending? Fine. Pick up the nearest book. Open the first page and read the first word. There…you were just born. Now skip to the end and read the last word. There…you just died. Now go to the middle and read a sentence. That’s you getting married. Now…go back to the beginning. That first word is still there, exactly the same as it was the first time you read it. By reading it again, you’re reliving your birth. As you read the first page, that last page is still there, signifying your death. When we pick up a 600 page book and read page 1 for the first time, page 134 is already there. It’s already written and it already says what it will say when you eventually get to it. Just like life, the novel is already written. Past, present and future are all already there, and always have been from the beginning of…everything.

Now, do I think that means our choices mean nothing? Absolutely not. All the epic moments in our life, from our first kiss to the day some of us stand up and change the world still have to happen. Just because somebody has already written our book doesn’t mean that we have to know how it ends. In fact, we can’t. Our choices are just as real in this worldview as they are in any other. After all, don’t you root for the hero in a novel? Don’t your fear for their safety as they face great peril, even though the author already knows what happens to him or her? The ending has already been written, but the journey has yet to unfold before us.

Believing this, and reminding myself that I believe it now more than ever, has given me a measure of comfort and eased some of my regret. After all, the past has happened. It has always happened. I can never, ever change it. If I were reborn exactly as I was 29 years ago I would behave exactly as I did on the way to this point in my life.

I have always written this and you have always read it.

Therefore…tomorrow has already happened. It has always happened exactly the way it will. To me, that’s thrilling. I feel as if I’m turning the page now, dying to find out what I do next. I will make mistakes. I will help people and I will hurt them. I will encourage and I will disappoint. I will change the world…or I won’t. The point is…I will.

I will act towards my dreams because I know how I want things to happen, but when they do not happen the way I wish they had…I will take heart knowing that my current failure was always meant to be…and the successes of tomorrow will always, always be real.

So perhaps, on that map of history God is peering at right now…I’ve already fulfilled my dreams. Maybe my goals have already been reached, and the weakness I feel right now is just one small step on the road to reaching them.

I may not know what lies before me, but I have to believe that someone, somewhere does.

And I’d like to believe that someone is smiling.

The Network Television Game and Why It Doesn't Make Sense

I'm going to break off from my usual deep musings and talk about something a little more superficial: Television.

I'm not going to lie. I spend 2-3 nights a week plugged in front of the TV for an hour watching a show I'm addicted to. What are my faves?

1. Lost
2. Dexter
3. Heroes
4. Fringe
5. Prison Break

Well...I'm really just waiting for Prison Break to be over. That show stopped being cool two seasons ago. And don't even get me started about the ups and downs I've endured watching Heroes. I've heard things called "love it or hate it", but I've never experienced both in such alternating doses over a show. Get a writer and stick with them!

Anyway, I want to point out that my top 5 are all popular shows. But popular or not, every week they're getting pounded in the ratings. By what, you ask?

1. American Idol
2. Dancing With the Stars
3. CSI: Miami
4. Law and Order
5. NCIS

That's right. Those are America's top 5. That's variable in the ratings week to week, but those shows usually dominate the top 10, with my faves only occasionally peeking their heads in. Grey's Anatomy pops in pretty frequently too, but that show is really little more than a prime time soap opera.

So what's the difference between my top 5 and America's? At the risk of sounding elitist...oh to hell with it, it is elitist: Intelligence.

Reality contest programming and crime procedurals are the whopper and fries of entertainment compared to the fillet mignon of serialized drama.

For those not in the know, let me define those terms

A serialized drama used to be the norm in television back in the early days of TV. Evolved from radio dramas, these are shows that carry ongoing stories with a building mythology. Lost is the perfect example. The premise is simple: people get stranded on an island. But as the story goes on, you discover new layers of plot and new layers of mystery. The island has a monster (or does it?) There were people here before! Dead people sometimes come back to life! Injuries are healed! Every character is unknowingly connected!

Like a good mystery novel, the story keeps building and building, adding suspense and interest every week while moving towards an inevitable and exciting conclusion. Except in the case of Heroes, where the writers seem to change their minds every single season. But hey, at least they've got the idea of building tension.

Reality contest shows are defined as such: A guy or girl gets in front of an audience and performs. He's then belittled by a British judge and then America votes on him based on how cute he is. The end.

A crime procedural is a tricky beast. These shows give you the illusion of intelligent writing. The same characters are back every week, just like a serialized drama. The difference? Typically the only character development we get from them is whether their wisecracks are a little more wise and their scowls are a little...scowlier. And the crimes themselves? Easily cobbled together from pieces of classic crime stories from the past 50 years, items currently on the news, or outright rip-offs from past episodes. Just change some character names around, insert your current cast, rinse and repeat.

Very little intelligence in that second kind of show. Absolutely none in the first.

And yet America eats them up like Skittles.

Why? Simple. Because the average American doesn't like to be challenged. They don't want to think about a mystery for more than half an hour, and when they do, they want to have the answer immediately. They can't be bothered to wait an entire season to find out why The Others took Claire. They have to know now. If not...its not worth their time.

In fact, the most mystery a lot of people care for is whether the skinny blonde girl or the skinny Indian kid will be voted off American Idol. Ooh! How thrilling!

Let me paint you a picture of these "average Americans" flocking to unintelligent programming. Let's start with a woman, say a nurse. She works her butt off all day dealing with ungrateful people and coworkers that are just as pissed off as she is. When she finally gets home, she immediately orders take-out for dinner or tells her husband to go get her something, and then proceeds to sit down in front of the television.

This is her TV ritual. She immediately finds CIS or Law and Order. It doesn't matter if its a rerun. She'll barely remember if it is. When her husband gets back and after she eats, she'll do one of two things: either fall asleep within minutes or talk through the entire program. While Grissom is scowling and following the trail of some boring killer, she's ranting to her husband about how shitty her day went, how she told off her coworkers, and how much she hates her job. Occasionally she will stop, look at the TV, and say, "The janitor's the killer. I can just tell." She then goes right back to ranting about her job, her children, or her husband.

To her, television is background noise. And yet she HAS TO HAVE IT! Like people who listen to iPods while working out or those who can't stand to be in the car without music playing, she'll go nuts if she doesn't have TV to keep her from having to do the one thing she doesn't want to have to do: think.

That's right. If Lost comes on after CSI, she'll look at the TV and say something like, "I don't like this show. It doesn't make any sense," and then change the channel, perhaps to American Idol so she can occasionally comment on how much one of the contestants looks like a hussy. And she'll probably use the word "hussy" too.

Is there anything wrong with this person? Aside from being obsessed with how much her life sucks but completely unwilling to change it, no. She's a good person just like you or me. She's just more comfortable being pacified than stimulated. That's really all American Idol or CSI is. Pacification. If not, how do you think their viewers could stand to see the same damn thing for several years and several seasons of watching them?

Typically, the crappier your life is, the less you care about intellectual persuits. Serialized drama and evolving storylines have nothing to offer you because they actually demand you pay attention. Mindless tv, on the otherhand, let's you barely watch it while doing the thing you love doing most, dwelling on how much your life sucks and how it's everybody's fault but your own.

Are there those that pay rapt attention to American Idol or CSI? Absolutely. But again, these are people more interested in a bite-sized slice of entertainment than a sprawling epic. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I love the cartoons on Adult Swim. There's not a damn thing epic about those, other than how ridiculous they are.

My issue is with our networks making all of their decisions based on the gigantic chunk of TV viewers who really only use their TVs as background noise or music to lull them to sleep on their easy chairs. Every year, shows with intelligent thought or production fall by the wayside. Pushing Daisies, Jericho, Firefly, Carnivale, the list is almost endless. I'm not saying those were all masterpieces, but they did inspire their viewers to stay excited about their evolving stories long past the hour in which they viewed them.

While those shows fall, more and more reality tv creeps onto the schedule. There's not a damn bit of creativity in these shows. They really only exist to show us that we're not the only ones who's lives suck. If we can laugh at some tone-deaf teenage girl dressed in hot pink, we won't feel so bad about our own meaningless lives.

The lack of a willingness to explore creativity and philosophy (which yes, I will say shows like Lost help stimulate) is part of a much larger epidemic than I'll get into at the moment, but really, part of the reason that America is falling apart right now is because we have been coddled and our vices have been catered to for so long.

The network execs are rolling around like pigs in shit right now, gleefully signing one stupidly conceived reality show after another into primetime while cancelling one drama after another a mere six episodes after it begins. Yes, in a year or two we may be looking at nothing but American Idol and CSI on tv at night.

Is TV a lost cause? At this point, yeah, kinda. When Lost ends its run, I'll have every reason to say goodbye to my cable bill and be fine with reading and Netflix. Hell, I find today's video games to be ten times more intellectually stimulating than American Idol.

Will it be a great loss? Nah, not really. The smart ones of us truly outgrew tv years ago.

Dear God, it's been months since I've set words down on this thing. Oh I've been writing, to be sure. I think I've just been increasingly skeptical that anyone wants to hear it.

My novel is published on Kindle and has sold a couple of copies already. I've also got a free version out on fictionpress. I've off-and-on been working on a self-help book. Unfortunately my problem with that is that each day I feel different about what the world needs help with.

Right now, it seems inescapable that the economy is the worst of our woes. Funny considering that a year or two ago we all thought that nothing could possibly be worse than the war in Iraq. And before that we thought...what? That the most important concern was whether or not Ross and Rachael would end up together on Friends?

I think that's the problem, and why we're having such a hard time now. None of us were prepared for this. Few of us even knew we would ever need to be. America was invincible. Terrorists didn't take us down, and that meant nothing ever really could. And then...we began falling apart like a house of cards from the inside.

Bush and Cheney wanted us to believe that men in turbans with M-16s were the only arrow that could possibly pierce America's armor. In the meantime, we were already entering the worst housing crisis in decades, Wall Street and our banks were spending frivulously and enjoying a downward spiral that anyone with eyes in their head should have seen would end in disaster. Yeah, that party was great until the keg ran out of beer.

Obama is now in the White House. A step in the right direction, I think. I voted for the man because I've always believed that America could only truly better itself if it embraced new ideas and fresh ideology instead of hunkering down with tradition and fundementalist religion. Like an old box of corn flakes, modern American Christianity expired decades ago. Now the only people it typically benefits are those that want to ignore their responsibility to change their own world instead of let a bearded man from space do it for them, and those who want an excuse to hate their fellow man. Why are we still catering and cow-towing to a religion that finds it perfectly acceptable to passionately hate gays?

Back on topic, we ate and ate and ate until we were too fat to get off the couch. Now we're feeling a massive coronary coming on, but we're too damn big to get up and make it to the phone to call 911. America, plain and simple, is just a little too stupid to know how to save itself.

That doesn't mean we won't be saved. I think we're going to be "scared straight" by this, if only for a while. Obama does have the right idea of pushing for a cleaner, greener infrastructure. Unfortunately, he's going about it in a way that's a bit ass backwards. He's looking ahead ten years and spending money that will help us then, but what good is building a life raft that will be ready in ten years if people are already drowning?

I could be in one of two places in ten years. Contentidly working in sales and making enough money to support myself, perhaps even enough to save towards my dreams. Or...I could be homeless living in a box on Ponce De Leon. But at least I'll be watching a new generation of eco-friendly cars drive by my cardboard box!

Sad thing is, our push to "greenify" our economy may be just a bit too late. With the current state of technology, green costs money, and money is kind of a hard thing to come by now. So where is this multi-billion dollar stimulus coming from, you ask? Contrary to what the Republicans would have you believe, it's actually coming from other countries. We're borrowing from mom's purse. In this case, China's purse in particular. At our current rate of debt, our great red neighbor basically owns us, with half the other countries in the world shaing stock. Amercia is becoming everyone else's deadbeat brother that promises to pay you back but never really will.

And here comes the Catch 22. Where does China's money come from? Guess who! Yeah...trade with us. And since our industry is going under....

So basically the world is printing money with absolutely no basis in concrete assets. And our government is spending that money on roads and colleges and state parks. Good to provide a few John Does with a job, but bad for the rest of us because we can't afford to go to school and learn how to install a solar panel.

So what's really going to save us? Notice I say what, not who. Change is the only thing that can save us. Reinvention. We have to be ok with the possibility that everything we thought we could have may just have been a pipe dream. A pipe dream that was actually distracting us from the truly important things in life.

You wanted a million dollar car? You may have to learn that putting a roof over your family's head is a bit more important.

You wanted to be a rock star? You may have to readjust your viewpoint and realize that building houses for your neighbors in need is a much more admirable goal.

People need to realize that you don't have to aim for the sky. Sometimes there are better rewards right there at eye level, staring you in the face. Community, compassion and simple human need has to replace greed, entitlement and gluttony. If it doesn't...we won't be saved. This might just be it.

Rome fell. The greatest civilization in the world. We're ignorant to think that America can't too.

We're also ignorant to think that a beer and a big-screen tv playing American Idol is a better way to spend our time than an evening at the local homeless shelter dishing out soup to the needy.

Get your priorities straight America! And you just might be allright.

Couldn't make this up if I tried

I payed off my car yesterday after over four years of regular payments. I spent nearly all of the money in my bank account knocking that sucker out, and I was damn proud of myself.

Tonight I get in my car to go see a concert with Karenann. I make it to the entrance of the subdivision and...the engine dies.

Because I just payed the sucker off, I now have no money to fix it.

The irony astounds

The Passing of a Legend

I want to take some time to pay tribute to a friend, a member of my family, and a source of inspiration.

Fluffer the bunny entered that great bunny field in the sky today. He was fourteen years old.

Fourteen. That age is almost biblical in proportion when it comes to rabbits. And like Moses and Noah in the old testament, Fluffer was a lively old codger till the end of his days.

I remember sleeping on a couch in Darlene's living room with Fluffer nearby, making the most peculiar and yet adorable sound I had ever heard. Fluffer snored. I had never before in my life heard an animal snore, yet here he was with his nose pressed against the wall of his cage making a sound that seemed straight out of a cartoon.

He moved around a lot in those days, hopping about his cage and about the floor when Darlene let him out. All of the other animals seemed to hold a kind of respect...even reverence of him. I know Winter, my two year old cat, was fascinated by him. She watched him frequently, and a time or two we caught her with her arm through the cage, lightly touching Fluffer like an awed fan would reach out to touch Elvis.

And like Elvis or Noah, Fluffer has forever left his mark on us. He was the man of the house. The cutest of us, but also the most determined. His small stature did not diminish the obvious and immesurable size of his spirit. I never once saw that bunny look unhappy. Tired, maybe, but not unhappy. He held life by the horns for fourteen years. I can only hope I can one day, when I'm eighty or ninety, look age and Father Time in the eye and say, "Just one more year."

Wherever you are, my friend, I hope you're happy, and eating all the alfalfa and bunny treats you could ever want. You had as great a friend as any bunny could ever want in Darlene, and I can tell you the rest of us, fuzzy, four-legged, and otherwise, loved you more than we can say...or bark.

Rest well, bunny boy.

What my heart knows

I get the feeling sometimes, when I'm alone and looking up at the night sky and the clouds hover around the crescent moon, that something is looking back. That when I call, something hears me. That when I walk, something feels the treads of my shoes. That when I ask...something wants to give, and sometimes does.

There's something, I don't know what exactly, that lives in the small spaces, within the cracks of reality and the narrow seams of perception. That something is a part of me, and a part of you, and a part of everything and everyone that ever was or ever could be.

I call that presence God, though in my mind God is not an old man with a thundering voice commanding us to obey or face damnation. God is the breeze through my hair. God is the sand between my toes. God is the laughter of a child. God is the voice that tells me to live, to create, and to hope.

I have faith in this feeling. I will never doubt that I am not alone, nor ever could be. And I have faith that whatever this force is, it binds us together in ways we can only begin to imagine. That gives me hope. That gives me a reason to believe that humanity is destined for greater things, and that every act of heroism, whether great or small, that one of us commits...this force is ever stronger.

One day we will all see it, and know it for what it is. One day we will see each other, and recognize the thread wound between us all. One day...the voice I hear that pulls me forward, that whisper on the wind...one day that voice will sing, and we will sing with it.

Life has its ups and downs...and downs...and downs...

Reprinted from my MySpace blog

Yesterday I posted a status update on here about "being in more trouble than I've probably ever been in my entire life". I got a lot of questions about that from my friends, so I thought I'd take a minute to fill you all in on the latest set of events in the strange and lately discouraging saga of Rob.

That status update was me displaying my often-used skill at presenenting a plain fact in a very melodramatic way. No, I'm not in trouble with the law (yet...see below), no I haven't killed a man, and no I don't have an STD. What I do have is a very bad case of "being shit on all at once by fate". See, there's that melodrama again.

Here's a list of the series of unfortunate events that lead me to post that update:

1. For the past year, my bosses have been warning me of the fragility of my current job. In fact, the entire company I work with has been flirting with oblivion for over a year. Well, that flirtation is about to become a serious relationship.

Our business partners in California have recently downsized by firing over half of their employees. That left them with pretty much just us and their tech department. Since then they've devoted all of their efforts into one last push (selling home products to Overstock.com) in hopes that it will take off and save all of our asses. Unfortunately, they have not been pushing very hard. I've been working my butt off, but the tech department seems to care very little about the fate of the company. In fact, I think they're just killing time until the whole ship sinks.

This is fine for them, and fine for one of my bosses, Jim. Jim is already very financially stable, with a big house and a life partner (yes she's female, but they refuse to get married) who makes more money than he does. Jim has very little to lose. I get the sense that the guys in California don't either.

My other boss is my father, Steve. Steve has been putting every ounce of himself into this for five years. He and my mother are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. When the company sinks, they will likely lose their house. They have nothing. No inheritance. No rich relatives. And no back-up plan.

Naturally this also puts me up shit creek without a paddle. I can get another job...eventually. But it won't be easy. Not with the economy the way it is now and the incredible over-saturation in the employment pool of potential employees with every skill known to man. When I'm back on the job market, I'll be a pebble in a basket full of emeralds. My sales experience will amount to little or nothing.

And the other day I was told by my father to expect the job to only last about two more months.

2. Event number two is directly related to event number one. The nature of my job means that I'm self employed. As some of you may not know, self employment taxes are a lot more than regular taxes. My tax returns stated that the government took almost half of my income last year. So my $30,000 job really only amounted to $15,000. Might have been better off being the manager of a Burger King.

However, this didn't hurt me last year because in 2006 I overpaid. That overpayment was put forward towards 2007, and I ended up paying very little in taxes last year.

But now the past has not only caught up, it has attempted to run over me with a dump truck.

There was an error in my tax returns this year, and that overpayment wasn't reflected. So...in addition to the $6,000 federal and $1,000 state taxes I have to pay this year, the IRS claimed that I also owed an additional $5,000 from the amount I underpayed last year. Remember, this was just because their records didn't reflect that my cheap 2007 was because of an overpayment the year before.

I managed to get it straightened out by ammending my returns. I think. I have to wait to see if the ammendments were approved. But what this now means is that I'm going to have to pay a whole lot of tax all at once.

I've already paid the first quarter of my taxes for '08. Unfortunately, since the returns were wrong, they have to refund me that amount. Then, when I get the refund, I have to pay for the first quarter again...in the correct amount this time IN ADDITION to the money for the second quarter.

That means I'll be paying thousands of dollars in taxes all at once. This at a time when I can barely afford to buy socks.

So...I'm not going to be able to pay it. Which means I'll be on the IRS's naughty list. The longer I go without paying, the more trouble I'll be in and the more I'll have to pay when I finally can afford to.

Only problem is...when the hell am I going to be able to afford to? I'll be out of a job in two months, remember?

3. And now we get to event number three. The icing on the cake. The straw that broke the camel's back.

A few days ago I was driving back from a friend's apartment in Atlanta. I was puttering along on I-85 going about 65 or 70. I was possessed by thoughts of what the hell I was going to do about my recent financial meltdown.

And then...all of a sudden...I was no longer going 70. Then I was no longer going 60. Then I was no longer going 50. Then 40....

Uh oh

I coasted over four lanes of traffic, all the while pushing on the gas to no effect, and managed to slow to a stop on a conveniently placed off-ramp (at least I caught a break there). My engine was not responding to the gas peddle. There was no acceleration at all.

I sighed in defeat, feeling like somewhere up above, Loki or some other deity of mischief and misfortune was laughing at me. I turned the car off and sat there for a few moments, readying myself to call AAA to come tow my car to the nearest auto repair. I didn't feel too upset. I think at that point I was resigned to the fact that life had decided it was one of those times to take away instead of to give.

But then I decided to thwart fate and crank my car back up. It cranked...but still no acceleration. Refusing to take no for an answer, I turned the car back off and then cranked it again.

This time, miracle of miracles, it worked. I drove home on the edge of my seat waiting for it to die again, but I made it home safetly.

However, such things do not happen without reason. The "check engine" light is still on. Something's pretty seriously wrong. Tommorow I should be taking my car in to get it looked at, but really...I can't afford to get anything done to it. If the car is crippled, I just have to let it be crippled. If it's un-drivable until it's fixed...then I just won't have a car.

So there you go, kids. About to lose my job. I'm in more debt than I'll likely get out of for a very long time. Now I've lost my car. And it seems my luck was obviously lost months ago.

Am I upset? Hmm. Not really, I don't think. I feel a little trampled on, but for some reason I'm not upset. I'll work things out. Things will have to change. Everything may have to change. But somehow...I'll climb back out of this.

I'm trying to hire myself out as a writer. I'm still pushing my novel. There's still a miniscule chance my current job could pick back up. Things will get better, somehow, at some point. I just gotta keep truckin. :)

Got bless my stupid naive optimism.