I get the feeling sometimes, when I'm alone and looking up at the night sky and the clouds hover around the crescent moon, that something is looking back. That when I call, something hears me. That when I walk, something feels the treads of my shoes. That when I ask...something wants to give, and sometimes does.
There's something, I don't know what exactly, that lives in the small spaces, within the cracks of reality and the narrow seams of perception. That something is a part of me, and a part of you, and a part of everything and everyone that ever was or ever could be.
I call that presence God, though in my mind God is not an old man with a thundering voice commanding us to obey or face damnation. God is the breeze through my hair. God is the sand between my toes. God is the laughter of a child. God is the voice that tells me to live, to create, and to hope.
I have faith in this feeling. I will never doubt that I am not alone, nor ever could be. And I have faith that whatever this force is, it binds us together in ways we can only begin to imagine. That gives me hope. That gives me a reason to believe that humanity is destined for greater things, and that every act of heroism, whether great or small, that one of us commits...this force is ever stronger.
One day we will all see it, and know it for what it is. One day we will see each other, and recognize the thread wound between us all. One day...the voice I hear that pulls me forward, that whisper on the wind...one day that voice will sing, and we will sing with it.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Life has its ups and downs...and downs...and downs...
Reprinted from my MySpace blog
Yesterday I posted a status update on here about "being in more trouble than I've probably ever been in my entire life". I got a lot of questions about that from my friends, so I thought I'd take a minute to fill you all in on the latest set of events in the strange and lately discouraging saga of Rob.
That status update was me displaying my often-used skill at presenenting a plain fact in a very melodramatic way. No, I'm not in trouble with the law (yet...see below), no I haven't killed a man, and no I don't have an STD. What I do have is a very bad case of "being shit on all at once by fate". See, there's that melodrama again.
Here's a list of the series of unfortunate events that lead me to post that update:
1. For the past year, my bosses have been warning me of the fragility of my current job. In fact, the entire company I work with has been flirting with oblivion for over a year. Well, that flirtation is about to become a serious relationship.
Our business partners in California have recently downsized by firing over half of their employees. That left them with pretty much just us and their tech department. Since then they've devoted all of their efforts into one last push (selling home products to Overstock.com) in hopes that it will take off and save all of our asses. Unfortunately, they have not been pushing very hard. I've been working my butt off, but the tech department seems to care very little about the fate of the company. In fact, I think they're just killing time until the whole ship sinks.
This is fine for them, and fine for one of my bosses, Jim. Jim is already very financially stable, with a big house and a life partner (yes she's female, but they refuse to get married) who makes more money than he does. Jim has very little to lose. I get the sense that the guys in California don't either.
My other boss is my father, Steve. Steve has been putting every ounce of himself into this for five years. He and my mother are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. When the company sinks, they will likely lose their house. They have nothing. No inheritance. No rich relatives. And no back-up plan.
Naturally this also puts me up shit creek without a paddle. I can get another job...eventually. But it won't be easy. Not with the economy the way it is now and the incredible over-saturation in the employment pool of potential employees with every skill known to man. When I'm back on the job market, I'll be a pebble in a basket full of emeralds. My sales experience will amount to little or nothing.
And the other day I was told by my father to expect the job to only last about two more months.
2. Event number two is directly related to event number one. The nature of my job means that I'm self employed. As some of you may not know, self employment taxes are a lot more than regular taxes. My tax returns stated that the government took almost half of my income last year. So my $30,000 job really only amounted to $15,000. Might have been better off being the manager of a Burger King.
However, this didn't hurt me last year because in 2006 I overpaid. That overpayment was put forward towards 2007, and I ended up paying very little in taxes last year.
But now the past has not only caught up, it has attempted to run over me with a dump truck.
There was an error in my tax returns this year, and that overpayment wasn't reflected. So...in addition to the $6,000 federal and $1,000 state taxes I have to pay this year, the IRS claimed that I also owed an additional $5,000 from the amount I underpayed last year. Remember, this was just because their records didn't reflect that my cheap 2007 was because of an overpayment the year before.
I managed to get it straightened out by ammending my returns. I think. I have to wait to see if the ammendments were approved. But what this now means is that I'm going to have to pay a whole lot of tax all at once.
I've already paid the first quarter of my taxes for '08. Unfortunately, since the returns were wrong, they have to refund me that amount. Then, when I get the refund, I have to pay for the first quarter again...in the correct amount this time IN ADDITION to the money for the second quarter.
That means I'll be paying thousands of dollars in taxes all at once. This at a time when I can barely afford to buy socks.
So...I'm not going to be able to pay it. Which means I'll be on the IRS's naughty list. The longer I go without paying, the more trouble I'll be in and the more I'll have to pay when I finally can afford to.
Only problem is...when the hell am I going to be able to afford to? I'll be out of a job in two months, remember?
3. And now we get to event number three. The icing on the cake. The straw that broke the camel's back.
A few days ago I was driving back from a friend's apartment in Atlanta. I was puttering along on I-85 going about 65 or 70. I was possessed by thoughts of what the hell I was going to do about my recent financial meltdown.
And then...all of a sudden...I was no longer going 70. Then I was no longer going 60. Then I was no longer going 50. Then 40....
Uh oh
I coasted over four lanes of traffic, all the while pushing on the gas to no effect, and managed to slow to a stop on a conveniently placed off-ramp (at least I caught a break there). My engine was not responding to the gas peddle. There was no acceleration at all.
I sighed in defeat, feeling like somewhere up above, Loki or some other deity of mischief and misfortune was laughing at me. I turned the car off and sat there for a few moments, readying myself to call AAA to come tow my car to the nearest auto repair. I didn't feel too upset. I think at that point I was resigned to the fact that life had decided it was one of those times to take away instead of to give.
But then I decided to thwart fate and crank my car back up. It cranked...but still no acceleration. Refusing to take no for an answer, I turned the car back off and then cranked it again.
This time, miracle of miracles, it worked. I drove home on the edge of my seat waiting for it to die again, but I made it home safetly.
However, such things do not happen without reason. The "check engine" light is still on. Something's pretty seriously wrong. Tommorow I should be taking my car in to get it looked at, but really...I can't afford to get anything done to it. If the car is crippled, I just have to let it be crippled. If it's un-drivable until it's fixed...then I just won't have a car.
So there you go, kids. About to lose my job. I'm in more debt than I'll likely get out of for a very long time. Now I've lost my car. And it seems my luck was obviously lost months ago.
Am I upset? Hmm. Not really, I don't think. I feel a little trampled on, but for some reason I'm not upset. I'll work things out. Things will have to change. Everything may have to change. But somehow...I'll climb back out of this.
I'm trying to hire myself out as a writer. I'm still pushing my novel. There's still a miniscule chance my current job could pick back up. Things will get better, somehow, at some point. I just gotta keep truckin. :)
Got bless my stupid naive optimism.
Yesterday I posted a status update on here about "being in more trouble than I've probably ever been in my entire life". I got a lot of questions about that from my friends, so I thought I'd take a minute to fill you all in on the latest set of events in the strange and lately discouraging saga of Rob.
That status update was me displaying my often-used skill at presenenting a plain fact in a very melodramatic way. No, I'm not in trouble with the law (yet...see below), no I haven't killed a man, and no I don't have an STD. What I do have is a very bad case of "being shit on all at once by fate". See, there's that melodrama again.
Here's a list of the series of unfortunate events that lead me to post that update:
1. For the past year, my bosses have been warning me of the fragility of my current job. In fact, the entire company I work with has been flirting with oblivion for over a year. Well, that flirtation is about to become a serious relationship.
Our business partners in California have recently downsized by firing over half of their employees. That left them with pretty much just us and their tech department. Since then they've devoted all of their efforts into one last push (selling home products to Overstock.com) in hopes that it will take off and save all of our asses. Unfortunately, they have not been pushing very hard. I've been working my butt off, but the tech department seems to care very little about the fate of the company. In fact, I think they're just killing time until the whole ship sinks.
This is fine for them, and fine for one of my bosses, Jim. Jim is already very financially stable, with a big house and a life partner (yes she's female, but they refuse to get married) who makes more money than he does. Jim has very little to lose. I get the sense that the guys in California don't either.
My other boss is my father, Steve. Steve has been putting every ounce of himself into this for five years. He and my mother are hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. When the company sinks, they will likely lose their house. They have nothing. No inheritance. No rich relatives. And no back-up plan.
Naturally this also puts me up shit creek without a paddle. I can get another job...eventually. But it won't be easy. Not with the economy the way it is now and the incredible over-saturation in the employment pool of potential employees with every skill known to man. When I'm back on the job market, I'll be a pebble in a basket full of emeralds. My sales experience will amount to little or nothing.
And the other day I was told by my father to expect the job to only last about two more months.
2. Event number two is directly related to event number one. The nature of my job means that I'm self employed. As some of you may not know, self employment taxes are a lot more than regular taxes. My tax returns stated that the government took almost half of my income last year. So my $30,000 job really only amounted to $15,000. Might have been better off being the manager of a Burger King.
However, this didn't hurt me last year because in 2006 I overpaid. That overpayment was put forward towards 2007, and I ended up paying very little in taxes last year.
But now the past has not only caught up, it has attempted to run over me with a dump truck.
There was an error in my tax returns this year, and that overpayment wasn't reflected. So...in addition to the $6,000 federal and $1,000 state taxes I have to pay this year, the IRS claimed that I also owed an additional $5,000 from the amount I underpayed last year. Remember, this was just because their records didn't reflect that my cheap 2007 was because of an overpayment the year before.
I managed to get it straightened out by ammending my returns. I think. I have to wait to see if the ammendments were approved. But what this now means is that I'm going to have to pay a whole lot of tax all at once.
I've already paid the first quarter of my taxes for '08. Unfortunately, since the returns were wrong, they have to refund me that amount. Then, when I get the refund, I have to pay for the first quarter again...in the correct amount this time IN ADDITION to the money for the second quarter.
That means I'll be paying thousands of dollars in taxes all at once. This at a time when I can barely afford to buy socks.
So...I'm not going to be able to pay it. Which means I'll be on the IRS's naughty list. The longer I go without paying, the more trouble I'll be in and the more I'll have to pay when I finally can afford to.
Only problem is...when the hell am I going to be able to afford to? I'll be out of a job in two months, remember?
3. And now we get to event number three. The icing on the cake. The straw that broke the camel's back.
A few days ago I was driving back from a friend's apartment in Atlanta. I was puttering along on I-85 going about 65 or 70. I was possessed by thoughts of what the hell I was going to do about my recent financial meltdown.
And then...all of a sudden...I was no longer going 70. Then I was no longer going 60. Then I was no longer going 50. Then 40....
Uh oh
I coasted over four lanes of traffic, all the while pushing on the gas to no effect, and managed to slow to a stop on a conveniently placed off-ramp (at least I caught a break there). My engine was not responding to the gas peddle. There was no acceleration at all.
I sighed in defeat, feeling like somewhere up above, Loki or some other deity of mischief and misfortune was laughing at me. I turned the car off and sat there for a few moments, readying myself to call AAA to come tow my car to the nearest auto repair. I didn't feel too upset. I think at that point I was resigned to the fact that life had decided it was one of those times to take away instead of to give.
But then I decided to thwart fate and crank my car back up. It cranked...but still no acceleration. Refusing to take no for an answer, I turned the car back off and then cranked it again.
This time, miracle of miracles, it worked. I drove home on the edge of my seat waiting for it to die again, but I made it home safetly.
However, such things do not happen without reason. The "check engine" light is still on. Something's pretty seriously wrong. Tommorow I should be taking my car in to get it looked at, but really...I can't afford to get anything done to it. If the car is crippled, I just have to let it be crippled. If it's un-drivable until it's fixed...then I just won't have a car.
So there you go, kids. About to lose my job. I'm in more debt than I'll likely get out of for a very long time. Now I've lost my car. And it seems my luck was obviously lost months ago.
Am I upset? Hmm. Not really, I don't think. I feel a little trampled on, but for some reason I'm not upset. I'll work things out. Things will have to change. Everything may have to change. But somehow...I'll climb back out of this.
I'm trying to hire myself out as a writer. I'm still pushing my novel. There's still a miniscule chance my current job could pick back up. Things will get better, somehow, at some point. I just gotta keep truckin. :)
Got bless my stupid naive optimism.
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